BORN IN NINETEEN-SOMETHIN’ OR OTHER, JASON “2 STROKE” HENDERSON AIN’T NEVER TRUSTED NOTHIN’ MADE AFTER 1978, ESPECIALLY COMPUTERS, ELECTRIC CARS, OR LETTUCE THAT COMES IN A BAG. HE SPENT 42 YEARS AT THE SAME FACTORY, STILL CALLS IT “THE PLANT,” AND THINKS A SMARTPHONE IS JUST A REGULAR PHONE THAT TALKS BACK TOO MUCH. HIS HOBBIES INCLUDE YELLIN’ AT THE NEWS, TELLIN’ KIDS TO GET OFF HIS LAWN, AND BRAGGIN’ ABOUT GAS BEIN’ 89 CENTS ONCE LIKE IT WAS A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.

HE DRIVES A TRUCK WITH THREE DIFFERENT COLORS OF PAINT, SWEARS IT RUNS BETTER WITH A CASE OF BEER IN THE BACK, AND MEASURES SUCCESS BY HOW MANY THINGS HE’S FIXED WITH DUCT TAPE. SAYS STUFF LIKE “BACK IN MY DAY” AT LEAST SIX TIMES BEFORE BREAKFAST AND THINKS WIFI CAUSES BAD WEATHER. STILL USES A FLIP PHONE, STILL PAYS IN CASH, AND STILL BELIEVES THE BEST MEDICINE FOR ANY PROBLEM IS GRILLIN’ SOMETHIN’ AND TURNIN’ UP THE RADIO.